Melissa Ferrari, relationship counsellor and Talking Lifestyle presenter
Clinton: Melissa Ferrari is a relationship counsellor and here are talking lifestyle you can hear her program on Tuesday nights from 9pm. Melissa joins us. Melissa is there any other way we can meet somebody other than online now?
Melissa: There certainly is and I hear many stories like the one that you just described where women are in their 50s 60s and they are facing a life of feeling like they’re going to be lonely forever. But there are some other ways other than online. So this is one that I have is A Table For Six. OK. So if you Google A Table For Six it is an organisation that actually plan dinner events. And so what it creates is an environment where you can actually meet people in person. It’s never more than six people. And you can Google that and register yourself and you can actually talk to someone who is a representative in your area. And it’s a very non-threatening environment to be able to meet someone. So that’s the first one I suggest. This next one would be what we call. Meet up. And what Meet up does. So you can again Google www.meetup.com. They offer all kinds of different experiences for people. It can be anything like soccer, tabletop games like if you have an interest in actually loving certain movies or you like a certain kind of book or you want to go hiking you can actually register yourself there and meet other people. And it’s a great non-threatening environment. You know when we’re looking for a relationship the less threat there is the better because that way we’ve got all our faculties on board to be able to look for the right person. And so environments like that where it’s just social and casual can really help create that environment for a good relationship to start.
Clinton: And Melissa on that point of a threatening environment do you think some older people may be almost intimidated by online dating because it can be superficial. Online dating.
Melissa: It can. The problem with online dating is that you are really going into it quite anxious already. And so because we don’t know what’s out there we don’t know what we’re going find when we meet people in person and then we instantly you know you can look into someone’s eyes and you can feel that experience of whether you trust them. You know even the way people wear certain lines on their face. You know for many years as we all get with it as we go along it can really tell a story about who that person is. Now I’m not saying you’re going to be able to get to know someone just because you can see their face live of course you’ve got to go in and understand who they are more. But at least it does give you that experience. So is this someone I’d really like to get to know.
Whereas online the photographs that you’re getting you know can often be 10 years old. It can and you know people turn up and they like I so I thought I met her Mother.
Clinton: See it was much better in my day I was a pioneer when it came to internet dating. I met my wife through internet dating. But that was so long ago -15 years
Melissa: and I met my husband online dating too
Clinton: Nobody used photos because digital cameras hadn’t taken off by that point. So they were around a little bit. People didn’t generally put a photo up. And thank goodness because I wouldn’t have met my wife otherwise – she wouldn’t have gone anywhere near me!
Jill: The other thing Melissa too is the comment made to me by women my age is that you know they seem to feel when they go online that the men that are on there are looking for women that much younger. So anybody that they would sort of think was in their age group that might be attracted to them are not interested in them because they’re in their 60s.
Melissa: Look there can be a tendency to find that and look at what we find and I really did try to find some statistics on this. But there was nothing that was concrete enough for me to know someone gets to tell you from my own experience because I’m working with older people dating all the time. There are those men that go on there and do think I’m going to find someone younger and you feel more alive because the person I’m with the younger and all of that you know. But what tends to happen is I think you do find after a while what has come forward in relationships is that sense of feeling safe and secure and longevity. And I think men do realise after a while is that being someone a little bit older they are going to understand you a little bit better. They are going to know that you’ve had a lot of history. And so I think it’s a matter of really sticking it out until you do find that person that you resonate with. And you’ve got to just really weed them out. Because I don’t I don’t believe that you know only older men are only looking for younger women. I don’t experience that as true. What I do know is and it’s how we’re all wired for a relationship is to find someone that we feel safe and secure and can grow with, and I think that’s more important.
Annie: To share a feeling of intimacy I think that’s a big thing isn’t it?
Melissa: It is. It is. And for older guys too you know a lot of intimacy issues can come up. And so they do like to have a woman that’s going to understand what’s going on. A younger woman can possibly expect a whole lot more. And so that can create a whole lot of anxiety as well. So I think to change the mindset a little bit older guys are just looking for younger women. You’ve really got to wait it out and decide you know there is that person out there and that person is going to be right for me because they’re looking for the same thing as me.
Clinton: Wonderful to talk to you Melissa.
Melissa: Wonderful. Thank you so much.
Clinton: Relationship Counsellor Melissa Ferrari. You can hear right here on talking lifestyle on Tuesday night. This is older wiser happier for agedcare101.com.au